Children And Loss: Time To Listen - Dove House Helps Shatter The Myths

Whilst society's attitude towards sex has become increasingly liberal over the last century, its way of dealing with death and loss has certainly regressed. This unwillingness to tackle the issue of death directly could be storing up huge issues for the nation's youth, who could grow up with severe emotional scars and unable to deal with loss in later life.

Now, Dove House Hospice in Hull, which cares for patients with life-limiting illnesses and their families, is to host a major international conference to empower all sections of society to support and care for children through bereavement and loss.

Children and Loss: Time to Listen, is the heading for Dove House's 5th international conference, this year being held at Hull Truck Theatre on June 18th. The conference will draw on the hospice's extensive skills obtained through its work with educational partners and youngsters to inform the conference.

It is hoped that by exploring the issues surrounding death, professionals working with children will be better prepared to support children when they encounter the unfamiliar emotions of loss and grief. The conference is aimed at anyone who works with children, including those in schools, social services, youth groups and the clergy.

Nic MacManus, head of practise development at Dove House Hospice, believes society's reluctance to face up to individual mortality can have a negative impact on children, excluding them from the grieving process.

"Children are often excluded from the bereavement process because their parents or the adults around them are themselves uncomfortable discussing death," says Nic. "Youngsters might want to talk to someone, but feel unable to because of the atmosphere around them."

"Parents naturally want to shield their children from the pain of bereavement, and this has become more common as more people die in hospital rather than at home. However, this means that death is not seen as a normal part of life by children."

"It's not so long ago that we would have had the corpse of the person who had died in our front rooms whilst funeral arrangements were made," he says. "This may not have been the most hygienic of practices, but it did serve to make children aware of what had happened and include them in the experience of loss."

"When looking at loss with regards to children, we are constantly trying to protect them. We want to shield them from things like disappointment and loss but, at some point, we all have to deal with these issues."

He draws comparisons with what he calls "the goldfish test." "Do we swap the dead goldfish for another one to protect the children or do we use it as a chance to talk about loss?" he questions. "Part of our ethos is that we want people to feel comfortable talking about death and dying and, from our experience, children are very resilient and they will adapt to situations.

"Often, children are traumatised not by the death itself, but by the fears and anxieties they imagine to be connected with death. If we don't talk to children about their emotions, they could continue to be misinformed and believe things which aren't true; potentially causing much more damage."

"By not giving them the information they need when they suffer loss, it can make it more difficult for them to deal with some of their emotions. We can tell them it's okay to feel angry or upset and that it's okay to talk about things. If we don't involve a child, it may be that they end up thinking something awful is happening to them because of the way they are feeling."

Discussions at the conference will aim to help attendees feel comfortable in discussing death with children and give them an insight into the experience of losing a parent when young. It will also examine the importance of being proactive when it comes to speaking with children, rather than reactive, and how this can prevent damaging behaviour which may occur later in life if the child is excluded from the grieving process. There will also be opportunities to 'network' with the other professionals present and exchange methods on how to best support children as they try to cope with death.

Speakers at the conference are to include Brenda Mallon, who is a counsellor and psychotherapist specialising in bereavement; team leader for Minority Ethnic Achievement at Hull's Children and Young People's Services, Sukhwant Kaur; and Alison Penny, co-ordinator of the Childhood Bereavement Network. Specific talks will include "How you can help children and young people who experience loss", "Grief matters for children in school" and "A child's perception of immigration from India to the UK", which discusses the issue of culture loss and the lack of sense of belonging caused by such a move.

For more information on Dove House Hospice's Children and Loss: Time to Listen event or to book your space, please visit the Dove House website. A complete programme of the event is also available.

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